Living with premature ejaculation (PE) or delayed ejaculation (DE) can make it feel like your intimacy with your partner/s is being challenged. These conditions can cause frustration, embarrassment, and anxiety. Still, it's important to remember that intimacy is about more than just the act of penetration and orgasm, and there are multiple ways to explore sex.
Whether you're experiencing PE or DE, there are various ways to continue building a fulfilling and intimate relationship that encourages exploration, closeness and, most importantly, a sex life that you don't need to be ashamed of.
Understanding the physical and emotional elements
The first step in exploring intimacy with PE or DE is to understand the role of both body and mind in sexual experiences. These conditions are more common than you might think and can have physical and psychological components that must be explored to understand your body's response to sex better.
The reasoning behind experiencing PE or DE will be unique to the individual, and it's important to explore with a healthcare professional both when it started and when it shows up and also check in on your overall health from diet, alcohol and drug use. You might be surprised to learn the root cause of why you might be experiencing these challenges once you speak with a professional doctor or sex therapist.
PE, which involves ejaculation occurring too quickly during sex, and DE, where a person has difficulty reaching orgasm, can be frustrating for the individual and their partner. However, neither of these conditions reflects a lack of desire or emotional intimacy; they are simply part of the sexual experience that happens for a multitude of reasons. When we better understand the root cause, we can learn to have a better connection both with body and mind and also with our sexual partners.
Exploring self-focus exercises
When living with PE or DE, exploring your body's sensations and pleasure without the focus on ejaculation can create a more relaxed and pleasure-focused experience. One effective technique is self-focus, which encourages the individual to concentrate on the sensory experiences of touch rather than the goal of orgasm. This can involve mindfulness practices like the RAIN method (Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture), which helps you tune into your body's sensations and emotions.
The RAIN method:
- Recognise what’s happening in the moment—whether it’s physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts.
- Allow the experience to unfold without resistance or judgment.
- Investigate with curiosity, exploring the deeper emotions and sensations involved.
- Nurture yourself with compassion, providing care and kindness to your mind and body.
Engaging in mindful communication
While it might seem like the last thing you want to do, transparent, open communication with your partner is crucial when navigating PE or DE. Regardless of any challenges, a significant barrier to intimacy can be the fear of judgment or disappointment, but it's better to be understood than to keep your partner guessing. When you open up about your experiences, feelings, and desires, you create a space where everyone has an understanding of what's going on so that you can work together to create a fulfilling experience for everyone involved.
If you struggle with words or sharing what you might need in the bedroom, try writing a letter to your partner. Be as honest as you possibly can and even provide suggestions that you would like to try or explore, like mutual masturbation, other forms of stimuli or touch, and even using tools like Medivibe together.
Exploring sensual touch and non-sexual intimacy
Sensual touch and non-sexual physical connection are powerful tools when dealing with PE or DE. The importance of non-sexual physical touch in your relationship cannot be overstated or ignored. When someone experiences challenges with sexual performance, it can cause them to withdraw from their partner or sex entirely, but physical closeness can be a key way to maintain intimacy and reduce tension and conflict.
One way of engaging in physical connection is to explore soft penetration techniques where penetration doesn't need to focus on maintaining an erection. By practising with a soft penis in a relaxed, responsive way, both partners can learn to be present in the experience rather than focusing solely on achieving or maintaining an erection. This practice can also reduce the anxiety that often comes with performance pressures, allowing the focus to shift from the act itself to the shared experience.
Creating a new narrative around pleasure
Living with PE or DE often requires individuals to reframe their understanding of sex and pleasure and focus more on self-exploration rather than performance. Instead of seeing ejaculation or even an erection as the "end goal," you can approach sex as an ongoing journey that involves many other types of pleasure—such as connection, touch, and sensual exploration.
Start to ask yourself questions like:
- How do I define pleasure beyond ejaculation or an erection?
- What other forms of intimacy or connection can I explore with my partner that don’t focus on performance?
- What sensations do I enjoy most during sex, and how can I bring more of those into my experience?
- How can I become more present in the moment rather than worrying about the “end goal” of sex?
Moving forward together
Treating PE and DE as a shared experience that both partners navigate can be highly beneficial and create a better bond, care and compassion towards the challenges you both face. With the right support, techniques, tools, and communication skills, these challenges can be transformed into opportunities rather than blockers.